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How to Spot a Hipster in the Wild

You’re out camping with your friends, enjoying a beer in the great outdoors when you spot it: the elusive hipster. What is such a creature doing out of its natural environment of dank, dimly lit areas serving coffee and craft beer? In case you’ve managed to never encounter these annoying creatures, here’s what to look for and a few ways to drive them off.

They’re Showing Their Man Cleavage
It’s no secret hipsters love to stuff their closets with flannel, usually paired with a train conductor’s hat and some skinny jeans. Out in the woods, though, it wouldn’t be all that ironic to wear the traditional wooly wardrobe of the woodsman now would it?

No, that’s not sardonic enough for your average hipster. Instead, you’ll be able to spot their man cleavage before you spot them. That’s right; hipster campers will certainly be decked out in t-shirts with deep vs so low they’ll leave you wondering how something so anorexic can still have absolutely no abs.

They “Rock Out” to Mumford & Sons
Hipsters love music that makes most people want to kill themselves, and they like it before it became mainstream. Yet that doesn’t stop them from listening to staples like Mumford & Sons and Death Cab for Cutie, or any band with the word “the” in front of it.

Solution: Drown them out with the sweet sounds of Twisted Sister or, if you can stomach it, throw on a little 90s era Backstreet Boys. It shouldn’t be hard to out blast them—their vinyl record player or iPod Nano has nothing on your Turtle Shell.

Those Beards
Ah, yes. The hipster beard. Nothing screams “look at me” like unkempt facial hair sprouting a foot off your face and speckled with leftover goat cheese. The sight of it’ll make you want to lop it off and use it for kindling.

In fact, maybe you should. Just hover around the hipster with brightly lit torches large enough to catch their beards on fire. Or wave your burning s’mores toward their face. Eventually they’ll get the picture.

They’ll Bring Along Craft Beer
Hipsters can barely afford to pay their rents thanks to their penchant for collecting liberal arts degrees, yet these guys never go anywhere without their ridiculously overpriced craft beer. Nope, no brand named beer like Budweiser for these persnickety peeps. Unless of course it’s Pabst Blue Ribbon. They’re all over that shit.

They’re Eating Organic
Don’t bother offering these guys a bite to eat. They’ll just turn up their noses at that half-off pound of hamburger you picked up at Wal-Mart on your way to the campsite in favor of their organic hotdogs from Whole Foods. It’s doesn’t matter if it tastes like rubbery dog doo because it was $9.99 and made with all natural vegan ingredients, guys!

To help ward them off, convince them you’ve gone all natural with that beef loaded with bloody goodness. Tell them it’s vegan, then once they’ve downed a few bites fill them in on the truth, then watch as they retch it back up over their Keds. Once they’re done throwing their hipster hissy fit you’ll have the woods all to yourself again.