Woohoo! I won a free snowboard. The problem is, I’m a skier. So now what do I do?

How You Win a Free Snowboard
Well, it helps if you drink a lot. Let me explain: I was at the Red Lion, a popular après ski bar in Vail, on the last weekend of the ski season this past April. After consuming a couple (okay, quite a few) Bud Lights, I had amassed quite a collection of raffle tickets they were handing out. This is the one time heavy drinking paid off. Okay there was that one other time when I met the wife, but that’s fodder for another column. Well, low and behold, my number was called and I became the proud owner of a RAMP snowboard.

Hey, Those Are My Skis!
I actually got screwed because there was a nice pair of skis that should have been mine. Some old guy—and I say that with respect because I’m old too, he was just older than me—won the board on the first draw. Then when this old fart went up front to receive his prize, he stated that he was a skier and wanted the skis instead. Well, to make a long story short, the old jerk got my skis and I ended up with his board.

I Could Do That
RAMP, which stands for Riders, Artists, and Musicians Project is a quality snowboard outfit based in Utah. I love the name, love their drive, and would be more than happy to ride their board if only I could. I just don’t think I should take up snowboarding at this time. You see, as I mentioned, I’m an old guy and have been skiing for years and years. I enjoy zipping anywhere on a mountain I want and don’t really want to start all over again. That and the wife won’t let me.

Be Smart About It
My daughter was a good skier, but then one day switched to the dark side and took up boarding. Now she kicks my butt on the mountain but that’s okay. I take the credit because I paid for the lessons. I’ve chided her for years about how easy snowboarding must be. I’ve always told her I could pick it up in a day if I tried. I even have a t-shirt that says “If skiing was easy, they’d call it snowboarding.” Now why, after all these years of shooting my mouth off would I want to actually try to prove my theory? You don’t get this old by being stupid.

Keep it in the Family?
I could give it away. My daughter needs a new board and Christmas shopping would be covered. The problem with that is it’s a big, long board, designed for a big long guy probably. She suggested I give it to her boyfriend. The problem with that is that I don’t like the guy. Honestly, I’ve never liked any of her boyfriends, but just like the tale of how I met my wife, that’s another whole story of its own.

Bench It?
Suggestions have ranged from giving it to whoever was making that stupid suggestion to selling it on Craigslist. I don’t want to just sell it for a few bucks and really don’t care to deal with strangers calling and coming over, bothering me and ruining my nap; I did mention I’m an old guy right? Others say it would make a good bench, top to a bar or other furniture ideas, but this is a good quality board and deserves to be ridden.

We Have Another Winner
And the winner is: my daughter’s ex-boyfriend. Now I did mention that I’ve never liked any of her boyfriends, and that is still true, but once they become an ex, and especially after you meet the current one, you realize he wasn’t so bad after all. He’s a bad-ass on the mountain and will do the board justice. Plus, and this is the best part, I can still brag about how I would be a bad-ass snowboarder myself, without actually making a fool of myself.

You’re schussing down the slopes and there he is, snow-plowing down the green run you’re using to get back to the lift. What do you do? Do you buzz him, showering a spray of powder in his face? Of course not, if he wasn’t there, you wouldn’t have a mountain to ski down.

How to Spot Them
They’re easy to pick out as they are not in their natural habitat. Tourists will be adorned in larger than necessary clothing as they are not used to the cold. Their outerwear will be bigger than yours and will say something like Helly Hansen, Spyder, or North Face, but it will be impeccably clean and scratch free. They will be wearing gloves, hats and scarves that are needed when it’s below zero but they will wear them at noon when it’s 40 degrees out. They speak in funny accents, but then, all accents are funny around here.

Their Habits
They are the ones buying cases and cases of bottled water because their water back home is crap. They don’t know we have the best water around and drink from the tap and they don’t know we have the best beer around and don’t drink Coors. This isn’t their natural habitat, so don’t snicker when they ask if the seafood is fresh; just tell them the Rocky Mountain oysters are and let them find out later what they really are.

Watch Their Driving
The ski tourists are going slower than you because they are scared; that is a good thing. There is nothing worse than a cocky tourist in an SUV. Just how in the Caribbean there is Island time, we should promote Mountain Time around here. Life should be slower here because there is more of it to enjoy. Sure the streets are crowded and traffic is at a crawl, but they will be gone soon and you will miss them. Well, maybe not on the roads but in your shops and restaurants you will.

Be Wary After Dark
They are not here just for the skiing—which is obvious once you actually see them ski. The nightlife is a big draw for them, so tourists can be found foraging for fun at late night spots around town. They are the ones flashing the platinum cards and ordering the Scotch or the Fireball, depending on age. Explain to them they really should drink more water due to possible altitude sickness and, if you’re helpful enough, maybe they’ll buy you a Scotch or Fireball too.

They Need Your Help
When they ask for directions, remember they are not used to using directions like go west or go east. They don’t necessarily have mountains to their west, so they just need to know right or left. Don’t be tempted to tell them “Sure, Devil’s Crotch is a green run,” as you could injure the poor thing. It’s okay to tell them the quickest or easiest way down the mountain, but that doesn’t mean you should divulge where the best stash of powder is or where the lift lines are the shortest.

You Could Be One Too
Bumper stickers and t-shirts abound in Colorado saying, “You got high, now leave.” That’s real funny, just about as funny as the ones that say “If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?” The thing is: the mountain you call home would not exist if it wasn’t for tourists. The money they bring in is what supports the deals you get so treat them like an endangered species and don’t run them off. Besides, they’ll be gone as soon as mud season kicks in. That’s when we all head to the beach and become, yep that’s right: tourists.

Sure, everyone knows about lunges and stair climbers so you can handle the steeps and the bumps, but that doesn’t mean we actually do them. These routines will really help your day way more than anything you’ll do, or not do, at the gym. You see, there are other muscles that need preparation for what we really go through and I intend to be ready this year.

Driving Those Muscles
I’ve already started training for this ski season. I hop in the car and drive downtown and back during rush hour. I have no need to go downtown as I have no job, but this exercise strengthens my stop and go traffic muscles. It also reminds me I need new techniques for combatting the tedium of driving 1.5 miles per hour for miles on end. I’ve already discovered my butt muscles are flabby and the seat heater needs to be fixed.

These Boots Were Made for Standing
I started this last week and, quite frankly, I am getting a lot of people staring at me. I go to the post office, the bank or, my personal favorite, The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)—pretty much anywhere I can find long lines of people works. I wear my ski boots and join the line for my training. This gets me used to the lift lines I expect to hang out in for a good part of the upcoming ski season. This works in two ways: I get used to standing there, bored out of my mind, and I break in my new ski boots all at the same time. I also renewed my license which was an added bonus.

Help a Brother Out
My buddy and I have teamed up on this exercise. Whenever he comes over to the house, I offer him a beer and then charge him $10 for it. In return, he invites me to a barbecue at his house and then charges $15 for every burger. This gets our financial muscles trained so they don’t freak out on the mountain. I’ve been going at it extra hard lately and made my kid forfeit her allowance this week for a Snickers bar. This is for her benefit as well as mine, because one day she’ll be on her own and Daddy Warbucks won’t be around anymore.

Work for It
Another exercise that requires you to wear your ski boots is going to the bathroom. And not just any bathroom—anytime I have to go, I strap on the boots and go downstairs. If I am already downstairs, I go upstairs. This mimics the layout of any ski lodge ever designed by whoever the idiot is who designs them. I know of only one lodge in America that has a bathroom on the ground floor and I’m not divulging it here or the lines will mimic the DMV.

The Hunt is On
This one is hard to imitate in training, but this is the best I can do. I load up a tray with drinks, burgers, and pretty much anything that will slide or spill and then walk around the house aimlessly. It works best when wearing ski boots, but I don’t want to mess up my own carpet with spilled drinks. This imitates the endless search for a table at lunch time that we all go through. The trick is to find a seat before the burger gets cold, the hot chocolate becomes just chocolate milk, and without spilling $5 worth of beer on your tray. Good luck with that.

The Death March
I hang a pair of skis from a rope tied to a tree branch and then spin it around. I stand there with my skis on my shoulder and try to duck my head before being beaned by the old boards I sent spinning. This perfectly imitates not only the walk through the ski village at the end of the day, but also the entrance to the gondola when everyone is realizing they have to hold their skis upright and not on their shoulders. For added effectiveness, and only for expert training, have a pair hanging and spinning behind you, too.

Running Hot and Cold
This isn’t for skiing, but is also an important part of your day. To get ready for the hot tub action back at the condo, I fill the bathtub with scalding hot water, climb in and then turn the shower on with ice-cold water raining down. This trains you for the hot-tub-in-a-snowstorm way we all relax at the end of the day. For added realism, have 4 or 7 people climb in with you and try to get comfortable. If you can pull this and the other exercises off, you’re ready for the mountain.

With football season upon us, Sundays have suddenly opened up for those of you who are not football fans. While millions of fans watch their favorite teams in stadiums, bars, living rooms and man caves around the country, you can have some places practically to yourself. That is, unless you live in Oakland, Jacksonville, or Tampa Bay.

Shop Till You Drop
Right around kickoff is a great time to hit the grocery stores. Don’t go an hour or two before or the lines will be filled with carts brimming with soda-pop, chips, and chicken wings. Just looking at those carts will make you see what fine cuisine you’ll be missing though, so go after kickoff and shop to your heart’s content without any waiting.

Ski Time
Once the season is in full swing and the snow starts to fly, the ski season will start. Sundays in the Rockies west of Denver are excellent days on the mountain as the Denver Broncos own Sundays around there. The mornings might be a bit busy, but once again, an hour before kickoff the crowds diminish. You will still have the out of staters or flatlanders there—unless they come from a town with a decent team, and then they’ll be back at their condos watching TV.

Go Take a Walk
For some of us, Sunday hikes in the fall means the long walk from our outlying parking spot to the stadium. For the rest, the hiking trails are emptier due to our absence. While some of you may be enjoying the lovely fall foliage and the crisp autumn air, the football fans will be strolling past peanut and burrito entrepreneurs, along with T-shirt hawkers and ticket scalpers. For the ones enjoying the hiking trails, your return hike will be just as quiet and relaxing. For those of us returning from the stadium, our’s will be boisterous, celebratory and fun. That is, unless you’re in Oakland, Jacksonville or Tampa Bay.

Hop on a Bike
Before the snow falls and turns the bike trails to a muddy quagmire, get out there and enjoy the trails on your own. Once football season kicks into high gear, the trails may be muddy or frozen, depending on your locale, but in the fall they are perfect. Fall riding is brisk and refreshing since the 90 degree days are long past. If urban riding is your choice, maybe you should get a rickshaw attached to your bike and join the legions of riders who carry fans from the outlying lots to the stadium. You will not only burn extra calories, but earn money as well while driving happy, maybe drunk fans who are in a great mood and probably willing to tip big on the return trip.

Shopping at the Mall
We all know how packed the mall gets, especially around Christmas time. A day at the mall during the holiday season can be akin to torture. That’s why Sundays are your best bet if you’re not watching the game. You can even get football gear like hats and jerseys at the mall, which does seem sacrilegious if purchased during game time. Wearing your local team’s jersey during the game while you are shopping at the mall is not only in bad taste but goes against the fan-code if there is one. That is unless you live in you-know-where, then it’s just in bad taste anytime.

Crank Up That DVR
Thankfully, in this day and age we can record anything, even in high definition. While this is a boon to all football fans, it does change the dynamic for those of you with no interest. Now we fans can go skiing, hiking, biking, or shopping without missing the game. With all the social media availed to us, the trick is to go enjoy the day without hearing how the game came out, until you get to watch it yourself. Hearing the final score can ruin the game-watching experience you were putting off until later. Most of us would prefer to be surprised, as you never know what the final results will end up being. That is, unless you are from Oakland, Jacksonville, or Tampa Bay…

I hate to break it to you but you aren’t going to fit in those skinny jeans much longer and someday soon, you’ll have more hair growing out your ears than on your head.

It’s Inevitable
Growing older is a fact of life but as the old saying goes, “it sure beats the alternative.” Sure you can fight the ravages of time by staying in shape, giving up drugs and alcohol, quit staying out at all hours of the night, and no more eating fatty foods—but then what’s the point?

Fashion Sense
If you’re a true hipster, then fashion is very relevant to you. You may wear skinny jeans or sag your baggies, but you wouldn’t be caught dead in khaki. Actually you may end up worse than dead if you’re wearing khaki; you’ll be at work. No matter how styling you are, unless you’re a Rock Star or Tattoo Artist. you’ll probably have to grow up at some point and wear big boy pants like the rest of us. There aren’t too many CEOs holding shareholder meetings in plaid shorts and flip flops, so unless you can write like Hunter S. Thompson or sing like Adam Levine, you’ll be hoping you look good in khaki.

Say What?
Speaking in the current vernacular is hip to hipsters, but it dies out eventually, believe me. It may have been dope at one time to talk smack to your bra’, but trust me everyone will be LOL in the future. I’m a tad bit older than most of you, but I assure you I don’t go around saying, “Far out”, “That’s out-a-sight” or “Stay cool.” Believe me, I was hip when hip was still just called “cool” but I don’t talk that way now, can you dig it?

Music to Your Ears
Just like the Captain and Tennille, Billy Ocean and Lionel Richie are no longer on the charts. You probably won’t be rapping along with Kanye, Snoop or 50 Cent in thirty years. Sure there are some artists who are timeless like Bob Seger, Bruce Springsteen, and Van Halen since the eighties, but I don’t really see Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. There are classic artists from every generation and who knows, maybe you will bust a Snoop rhyme at a karaoke bar in 2050, but trust me; your music will change.

Be a Good Sport
You may be able to pop some banging grabs in the half-pipe, ride the rails on your board, shred the single track on your bike, or SUP that river now, but you will slow down eventually. Hopefully you’ll still be boarding and banging, shredding or whatever else you do, but it won’t last forever. The key is to learn to enjoy new things that your body can handle in old age. Trust me, I still pound the bumps on black diamond mogul runs with my new rocker skis, but I spend just as much time on the lodge deck sipping hot chocolate and schnapps and enjoying it just as much. That hot tub at the end of the day is no longer a place to meet girls or party, it’s a necessity now.

It’s a Hairy Subject
Okay, now back to the biggie: your hair. I know you may use gels and conditioners, control paste, waxes and clay but it’s all for naught. Face it: you’re going to lose it, so thank God hats and ball caps are in style today and hopefully will be in your future too. In the old days, like 1985, comb-overs, ridiculous as they looked, were big for old guys with balding heads, because that was their only choice. Now you have ball caps, beanies, English Ascot caps worn frontwards or backwards, Fedoras, Panama hats, and bandanas tied around your head.

At first, when you end up with a monkey butt on top of your head you may start wearing hats more often to hide your impending baldness. Eventually you’ll wear them because the sun is burning the crap out of that sensitive area.

The mountains can be tough on a guy, and not everyone is cut out for them. That’s okay, though—you can visit but you may not want to stay.

The Driving
If you don’t know how to drive in the mountains, maybe you should take a bus or shuttle ride. That’s because up here we have things that maybe you aren’t used to at home like: uphills, downhills, sharp corners, and other annoying things like snow, ice, and falling rocks. Not to alarm you, but falling rocks actually kill people every year; especially flat-landers that shouldn’t be driving here.

The Weather
It gets cold up here and it gets hot up here, usually in the same hour. Oh yea, and it’s a dry cold, to boot. Temperatures can range from below zero to over one hundred degrees—maybe not on the same day, but it happens quicker than you can imagine. I spent one 4th of July in Keystone, CO a few years back and it hit over one hundred on the lake patio we were on. The following year it snowed on the 4th. No, in answer to a tourists question once posed to me, we don’t all wear long underwear year round. What, do you think we’re rednecks? We have Under Armour for that.

The Drinking
If you think you can fly up here from sea level and drink with me, you have another think coming. The first thing you’ll get is extremely drunk, then a headache, then altitude sickness. The fun thing after the altitude sickness is the Mother of all hangovers. Sure, you can try the oxygen bar, tourists are the only ones who use them anyway, but the only relief is drink lots of water, lay off the alcohol, and admit we’re better men than you.

The Eating
Yeah, you’re right: all we eat up here is Rocky Mountain Oysters and Buffalo Burgers. If you’re looking for a gluten free, vegan diet you’ll have to stop in Boulder, CO on your way up the hill. We do also eat a lot of Mexican food though, so if you can’t handle jalapeño peppers, much less habaneros, then you’re going to die a slow and miserable death when you have our green chili with ghost peppers added.

The Fashion
We’re not big on skinny jeans, and the only sagging going on is you when you try to climb a flight of stairs. The mountains are the one place on earth where a guy in a ski jacket and cargo shorts looks natural. We wear shorts year-round, whether it’s with a tank top in the summer or a down jacket in the winter. Flip flops are comfortable, but are only worn when there are less than 3 inches of snow on the ground.

The Biking up High
If you don’t know how to handle a mountain bike, don’t let it bother you; you won’t be able to ride more than a block or two without gasping for air anyway. Going downhill is fast and dangerous and going uphill—well, you probably won’t be going uphill anyway. Climbing stairs is an extreme sport up here and just getting the groceries upstairs can give you a heart attack. That’s why we excel in downhill skiing.

Staycation is another of those annoying new words that won’t go away. Neither will you, as it simply means you vacation in your hometown or at least your local area. While maybe not as exciting as jetting to Europe, think of the money you’ll save.

Economics
Staycations are cheaper as you don’t have far to travel. You save on airline tickets and car rentals, and if you stay close enough, hotel rooms as well. Heck you can even eat at home but then where is the fun in that? If you’ve ever had my wife’s cooking you wouldn’t call that a vacation at all.

Travel
I’ve always said it’s not a true vacation unless I board a plane. But if there is driving involved, I’m the driver. Not to keep slamming The Wife, but you’ve obviously never seen her drive. When I’m doing the driving that also means I’m not drinking, so how is that a vacation? If you do it right, even if out of town, you stay somewhere that is convenient and you can ride buses or walk everywhere. If you don’t do it right, you’re sober, driving, and not having nearly enough fun.

Time is Everything
One good point of staycations is you’re not spending a lot of time traveling. Instead, your vacation time is spent, well, vacationing. Visiting local museums, the zoo and local tourist attractions saves a lot of time. On the other hand, you’re spending your vacation visiting museums, zoos and tourist attractions, once again, where’s the fun in that?

It’s Good for the Economy
Staycations were first preached to us as a way to save money and help the local economy which is a viable point and true. Sometimes I prefer to help boost the Mexican economy by laying on a beach in Cancun. I hear the folks in Jamaica are struggling economically as well, so shouldn’t we help them too? Nowadays they keep preaching about the global economy so as a global citizen, I feel it’s my duty to spread my dollars around.

Who Wants to be Bilingual?
On a staycation everybody speaks your language. When you travel far from home, chances are, no one will understand a word you say; sometimes not a bad thing. When you vacation here at home you don’t have that language barrier, that is, unless you wish to converse with housekeeping, the busboys, the landscapers or most of the other workers these days who speak anything but English. Come to think of it, more people speak English in Europe than here on my staycation at home.

It’s Good to be Home
Though I have had some great long-distance vacations, it’s always good to get back home. I miss my bed, my big screen TV and my friends. How can you get that sense of relief on returning when you only went an hour away? Or, as that old saying goes, “ How can I miss you if you never leave?”

We all know you shouldn’t text and drive but there’s nothing wrong with using an app that helps you get up or down those hills. All these apps, as well as pretty much everything in life these days, are available through ITunes or you can just click on the provided links.

Waze
Waze is said to be the world’s largest community-based traffic and navigation app and is free. I was first turned on to this app by my daughter who is slowly, very slowly, teaching me how to use my new IPhone 6. Users input info such as traffic slowdowns, potholes, vehicles pulled over on the side of the road and most importantly, where the cops are. It shows you how many other users are on the road with you and allows you to update whether that cop is still sitting on the side of the road. It also operates as a navigation guide for when you bail on traffic. You can see all this info onscreen or have a voice warning you if you aren’t married and driving with the wife. This one is my personal favorites and would be perfect if they would just add info on bathrooms for when I’m stuck on I-70 coming home from skiing with two females who have to pee.

Sigalert
Sigalert is also free and claims to be the foremost provider of accurate, up-to-date traffic maps. It won’t tell you where the cops are but their info is concurrent with state highway patrols’ data and also uses road sensors and cameras for accurate readings. They also include construction info which is easier than it sounds since there is construction everywhere. Sigalert’s maps are zoom-able and clickable and though they do offer a premium version for a fee, the free app works just fine.

Beat The Traffic
Another freebie, Beat the Traffic allows to you to set up your own alerts to warn you of the specific traffic problems you are concerned with. They have real-time updates on traffic, accidents and congestion. You can also save up to three routes you have decided are quicker; a great feature for those of us who know the service roads down the mountain.

INRIX
By using the free INRIX app you can find the best route for your travels because they take into account many traffic factors like: traffic congestion, road construction, accidents, police activity and historical traffic patterns. Using their information will help you decide what route to take and when to take it. They welcome user feedback to improve their product and offer 24/7 customer support.

Map Quest and Google Maps
The old standbys MapQuest and Google Maps have both upped their game somewhat to become more than just mapping services. Gone are the days when you used one or the other to find your location, then printed it out and took it with you. They have both added traffic warnings with MapQuest’s Live Traffic Displays getting updated every 5 minutes. Unfortunately you will deal with popup ads that can be quite annoying.

Sure you have to work, don’t we all, but if you can get away during the week, do it. Change your schedule so you work weekends, take vacation time, or call in sick if your boss will buy it because weekday camping is where it’s at.

Traffic
I-70 west of Denver, CO is packed every weekend during the year now. It used to be just in ski season, but since the ski resorts have learned ways to attract visitors all summer, the traffic never ends. Whether you’re driving in the Alps, the Rockies or the Sierra Nevada’s traffic is now year round. Leaving the big cities on Friday and returning on Sunday causes massive tie-ups that can and will ruin you weekend. Monday thru Thursday: no problem.

Crowds
No traffic should translate to no crowds. If you are staying in an established campground, it can get as crowded as your own neighborhood street. Kids riding bikes, crying and screaming, along with idiots blasting their music (which is never the kind you want to hear), and folks walking back and forth in front of and sometimes through your campsite. Heck, I can get that at home. During the week, with hardly anyone there you’ll get the peace and quiet you were searching for even in that popular spot.

Pick Your Spot
Campsites are way more abundant on weekdays with you getting your choice. Leaving town on a Sunday puts you at your spot not long after everyone else has just left to return home. It doesn’t matter if you’re camping in an established campground or out in the National Forest or Wilderness area, you get the pick of the litter.

The Noise Factor
The weekend warriors bring their toys along with them. That means that quiet mountain lake will be buzzing with jet-skis and power boats. That lonely mountain trail will be full of motorcycles and ATVs. Sure, you may have any or all of these as well, but that doesn’t mean you want a dirt bike whining past your campsite at 7 AM.

Firewood for the Taking
Lots of campsites whether in established campgrounds or out in the Forest have been picked clean of desirable firewood. We usually have to drop off all our stuff and while one person sets up camp, the rest take off in search of wood. I’ve found the glory hole to be established campgrounds. If you arrive right after most folks leave you get to snag all the wood they left. Most people overstock firewood on a campout and most peoples’ cars and trucks are too full of gear to take the wood home. Not only are you not supposed to transport firewood from one region to another, but this affords us weekday campers an already chopped up supply of wood. Thanks by the way.

Howl at the Moon
Not only is there no one to bug you, you aren’t going to bother anyone else. Howl at the moon, dance naked around the campfire, and stay up all night if you like. Or as usually happens on our campouts, do all three.

The Drinking Requirement
A lot of people drink on the course, but we should step it up a bit. If there were a bar at every tee-box things would get way more exciting. Maybe you should have to buy a round if you bogey. Double bogey and it’s shots for everyone.

Let’s Hear Some Chatter Out There
Golf is way too polite. Everyone hushes up when the golfer is shooting; heck even the announcers on TV speak in hushed tones and they’re a mile away in a broadcast booth. How about a little chatter like we were encouraged to do on the baseball diamond in Little League. I can see the crowd around the putting green yelling “Hey Golfer Golfer.” Or how about waving those foam tubes like NBA fans do when the opposing team is shooting a free-throw, but we’ll do it when the golfer is on the tee-box?

The Hazards are Lame
A hazard in golf is a sand trap; really? They should at least fill them with quick sand like you see in the movies. Or better yet, stock crocodiles in the lakes. Sure some courses down south have crocs or gators here and there, but stock ’em and starve ’em. Then make the players retrieve their balls instead of just adding a stroke or two.

Rush the Driver
With a little practice, anyone can hit a decent drive off the tee box. How about doing it while a 300 pound linebacker is rushing towards you with bad intent? If Peyton Manning can sit in the box and calmly let the ball go under pressure, then why can’t Tiger Woods?

Juice up Those Carts
Golf carts are lame. They have governors on them and auto brakes so you can’t really have much fun with them. Hop those things up, give them four-wheel drive and then make the courses more fun to ride on. Heck, let’s go for it and drive ATVs, make the golf path a moto-cross track and add some jumps.

The Old Ladies Have to Go
How can you call it a sport when a little old lady can kick your ass? It’s bad for the sport and wreaks havoc on my ego. The women’s tees have to go. There’s nothing more deflating in sports than hearing a bunch of old women giggling in the clubhouse about their low score; especially when it’s lower than mine. Everybody shoots from the same spot and if you can’t get it on the fairway, you’re out of here; or buying drinks at the next tee.