Okay, I get it, you’re on vacation and anything goes. But there are some things a man just shouldn’t do, or at least allow pictures of him doing it to get out. If James wouldn’t do it, maybe you shouldn’t either.
Bird Watching Tours
The original James Bond, the one Ian Fleming pilfered the name James Bond from, was an ornithologist and wrote books on birds. That doesn’t mean James Bond, our man named Bond, would ever go on a bird watching tour though. Actually, I don’t know anyone who would, but someone must because they are offered all over. I’ve done river cruises in Jamaica and Costa Rica where the guides point out all the birds we see, but that’s just because they’re waiting for something really exciting like a lizard to come around. Most of us are there for the monkeys and crocodiles anyway and could care less about the rare yellow-billed whatever-you-call-it.
You know those big-wheeled, tricycle-like contraptions that beach resorts have which you pedal out into the water, looking like a geek and feeling like one too? You know: the ones James would never be seen on. You could actually swim or even float out quicker than these things go and probably relax more while doing it. Well, some may say I’ve been seen on one but I will deny, deny, deny; mainly because I destroyed all the pictures, so there.
If James ever ice fished, he’d probably catch a sexy, topless mermaid. The rest of us just catch a cold. Sitting on a giant ice-cube, drinking beer or whiskey or whatever you drink in an old wooden shack while waiting patiently for a nibble is not James’ style. Actually, waiting patiently for anything is not James’s nor my style so that’s why you won’t see either of us doing it.
Swimming With the Dolphins
J.B. has probably swum many times with the dolphins but I’m sure it was on the open seas like when he swims to Dr. No’s island in Jamaica. He would never be caught dead in a water park, wearing a life jacket and floating with the kiddies while Flipper rubs up against him. It’s not very glamorous or adventurous to float in a sea of Kibbles n Bits which I later discovered was dolphin poop.
Hot Air Ballooning
Now, I’ve seen hot air balloons in James Bond movies but it’s usually the bad guy or girl making a fatal mistake in thinking this will provide an escape. There is hardly any control except up and down and it’s the down part that gets me worried. The takeoff is probably fun but once you’re up, you’re at the mercy of the winds on where it’s going to take you. Not knowing where I’m going is maybe standard operating procedure on my vacation, but it’s against everything James Bond stands for.
I’ve seen many of these groups, or “Pods” as I call them, of tourists on Segways putting slowly along everywhere from downtown Denver to the beaches of St. Maarten. If James, or I for that matter, want motorized transportation we would prefer an Aston Martin, a BMW motorcycle, or a Lotus Esprit car/submarine. There was that one time in Mexico when I vaguely remember renting a moped—something else James would never be seen on—but I’m sure there was Tequila involved and there are no pictures to confirm it.