Whether you’re single, just generally disenchanted with all things romantic, or boycotting commercialized holidays, Valentine’s Day is the bane of your rather epic existence. As far as you’re concerned, those cutesie little candied hearts can go to hell and your couples friends, who insist on tweeting and Instagraming their make out pictures one week prior to the puke-worthy holiday can #goscrewthemselves.
Much like herpes, this holiday just won’t go away, so this year take matters into your own hands by planning one of the following Anti-VDay adventures.
Drinking…Drinking Always Makes Things Better
Though you may run into a few couples, at least they will be remotely cool if you plan a brewery tour this Valentine’s Day. Some states with a high concentration of fantastic microbreweries include, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, and Michigan. Whereas many restaurants cater to the lovey-dovey crowd on this particular day, breweries typically go about business as usual or, at most, pair their delicious libations with chocolate or some shit. Either way, you’ll probably be too drunk to care. Cheers!
Movie Night Where You Watch ANYTHING Besides Fifty Shades of Grey
Yep, by now you’ve seen the trailer, cringed at the Beyonce soundtrack, and most certainly have refused to read the book. Fifty Shades of Grey is everywhere this V-Day. But who’s opting for a movie night in with friends watching the Big Lebowski and drinking White Russians? Y-O-U. Because, let’s face it, there’s nothing sexier than The Dude and Julianna Moore’s boobs. BDSM be damned.
Go Skiing…And Body-Check All Couples (100 points each)
‘Tis the season for powder, black diamonds, and all things SNOW. This Valentine’s Day, spend your time practicing bumps and steeps in resort or, if you’re hella good, head to the backcountry and get away from people altogether. The mountains are calling and you must go, bro!
Winter Camping (The Sure-Fire Way to Avoid All Prissy Couples)
Lumbersexuals and hipsters need not apply. Winter camping is only for the hardcore outdoor enthusiasts who either REALLY love nature or really, really, really want to get away from all other human beings on Love Day. Friends are always nice, so bring a few. If you’re a dude, plan a Bros Before Hos camping adventure. If you’re a chick, plan an a Chicks, No Dicks camping trip. It might sound sexist but…um, who gives a shit?
Pick Up Single, Desperate People
If all else fails, Valentine’s Day is, at the very least, good for preying upon desperate, lonely people who are two drinks away from hooking up with you (or anything that moves). So grab some condoms, maybe some of those candied hearts for effect, and hit on the first single, tipsy person you come across. Worst case scenario: You end up with the clap. Best case scenario: You get to play Fifty Shades of Grey for reals.
Personally, I’d stick around at home with the blinds drawn
and watch a good monster movie or two.
I’d rather see King Kong and Godzilla knock over some
buildings than all those kissy-kissy couples smoochin’
and holding hands, like “GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST, GET A ROOM!!!”
Bring in some https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7d820a188946e698aad80eb65d55931f250a372ece293bb5a930a17c3fc7a1de.gif monsters and leave out the mush!!