Have you ever noticed, especially when driving on snow or ice: if someone passes you he’s an idiot and if they’re going too slow and holding you up, they’re an a**hole? While most of us have to deal with snow and ice and that guy who slows you down, at least our road crews are trying to help.

Differing Opinions
Opinions are just like… the guy slowing you down, everybody has one. People complain if the roads are salted because of the corrosive properties that eat your car up. Others worry Mag Chloride will contaminate the rivers. Still others complain about sand because, well, because they can. No matter what your highway dept. uses someone will complain. Just be glad they use something because there are plenty of idiots and… guys who slow you down out there.

Road Salt
Road departments use a lot of road salt. They were actually running out of it in the Eastern United States last year because of the harsh winter and icy roads. They don’t use salt in Colorado and because of that a friend used to buy up old cars and ship them back east for big profits. Salt melts ice because salt water doesn’t freeze until it gets below zero. It does however corrode steel in automobiles and even the rebar used in bridges. It’s a tradeoff: it helps speed up that… guy who slows you down but wreaks havoc on your cars and bridges.

Sand
Sand is used on most roadways but usually in conjunction with road salt or mag- chloride along with other mixtures. Sand doesn’t melt the ice but gives you traction and grip. The use of sand requires a lot of cleanup and that would explain all the big street-sweepers you see that come out every spring along with the robins. It also tends to clog sewers and road drainage systems but does it in a natural, organic way.

Chemicals
Mag Chloride works by preventing the ice from bonding to the asphalt. Usually spread before the storm as an ant-icing agent it is used extensively in several states including Colorado. It is sometimes mixed with salt wetting it so it sticks better to the road surface. It has been extensively studied but the jury is still out. It does cause plant damage and stream pollution but is a very effective weapon against slippery roads, idiots and… guys who slow you down.

Organic
Have you ever peed on an ice patch? Well, if you have you know it melted the ice. Urea, which is a product contained in urine, is sometimes used on airport runways because it is less corrosive to airplane bodies: I kid you not. I’m not sure where they got it but it is mentioned in several reports on the internet so it must be true. There is also a substance made from the byproducts of sugar beet production called CMS-B or Motech being used in several areas. Though products like Motech derive from organic material, it contains Potassium Chloride which can cause eye, skin and gastrointestinal irritations.

A Life of Tradeoffs
Everything has a tradeoff. I don’t want anyone to suffer gastrointestinal irritations, I don’t want my car or bridges falling apart and I’m pretty sure we don’t want urea on our neighborhood roads. Maybe we just have to put up with the idiots and… guys who slow us down after all.

It’s sunny and warm but the snow is slushy and heavy. On the other hand, chances are good you’ll probably spot Elvis on the slopes.

The Weather
Nothing beats skiing in shorts and a t-shirt. Instead of wearing gear designed for the Arctic, spring skiing affords the chance to pitch the parka and gloves, the hat and hand warmers and the gaiter around your neck and soak up some sun. After a long winter of being bundled up in gear, spring skiing is about freedom from all that garb.

Timing is Everything
When the snow melts during the day, then re-freezes at night, it creates a surface with the consistency of concrete. Until the sun softens things up, you’ll be miserable as your skis and consequently your feet take a pounding. There is really no reason to ski until about 10 or 10:30 so getting in line for first chair doesn’t really make sense. The tradeoff is you get to sleep in for the first time this season.

Everybody is There
By everybody we mean Elvis, Spiderman and a gaggle of nuns. Spring skiers, when they doff their arctic gear seem to trade it in for costumes. For some reason Elvis thrives on the slopes of every ski resort from Stowe to Tahoe and everywhere in between. Nuns seem to be very popular and super-heroes like to take ski vacations as well. The closing weekend of every resort is full of costumed riders but they begin to appear as soon as the spring sun, slush and warmth arrive.

Skin to Win
Skiing in bikinis or even just shorts is not recommended, especially if there is a chance of falling. Not only will you scrape some mighty sensitive areas but you will get a lot of intense sun on places that haven’t seen the light of day for half a year or so. The rest of us though do enjoy the sights as long as we’re not the ones on top of the mountain when the spring squall rolls in and temperatures drop by 30 degrees instantly.

Bring the Gear
You may want to bring both powder and rock skis because you could be skiing both. Since you can’t trust the weather in springtime, you need to bring it all. It could be 20 degrees and fresh powder, 60 degrees and slush or both in the same day. You’ll need your cold weather gear and your bikini packed in your bag. If you’ve ever skied closing weekend, you’ll know that bikini could be for a woman or a man (you’ll just have to see it to believe it.)

Music to Our Ears
Most resorts start firing up the concert stages once spring arrives. Vail, Breckenridge, Keystone in Colorado and many other resorts all host spring concert shows, usually at the base of the mountain or in their respective villages. Ever try dancing in ski boots? It’s not as easy as it looks, and it doesn’t look that easy to begin with. It helps that these shows are usually hosted by beer or liquor companies with booths plying their products, for a small, or make that a large fee.

Oh the Nightlife
Well, we already established that you’re not getting up early for first chair, so why not step out for the evening. Not only do some resorts have nighttime concerts, but the bars are jumping in the spring. There seems to be a younger crowd staying in town this time of year and since there is no reason for anyone to get up too early, the bars are packed until closing time in the spring.

Some have trees, some don’t. Some are Double Black, some single. The one thing they all have in common is that UH OH factor.

Highline, Vail
Highline is on the east side of the front of Vail Mountain. It runs right below and beside its namesake lift and is long and Double Black. Only part of the run is visible from the lift which is good because some of the best skiers in the world are riding up and laughing at you; okay, laughing at me. The Wife coaxed me into starting our day on Highline once and I thought I was going to die. Of course, after that first run of the day, everything else felt like a green run.

Outhouse, Mary Jane
Outhouse may only be a single Black Diamond but its legend is secure, partly because you can be seen coming down by everyone at the lodge at the bottom and also because of the notorious sign in the old days warning that skis under 180cm were not allowed.  Of course shorter skis are in vogue these days what with the shaped ski designs, but in the old days if you skied on less than 180cm, you weren’t worthy.

Devil’s Crotch, Breckenridge
The coolest thing about going down this run is you then have the right to buy a t-shirt that says “I licked the Devil’s Crotch” Anyone can buy them in town but come on, why wear it if you didn’t do it. Located atop Peak 9 and visible from the E Chairlift, this is a narrow chute, steep and full of bumps. It’s a Double Black Diamond and I have seen people cry on it. Okay that was just me on my first try but I have licked it since then.

Cat Dancer, Keystone
This run is located on North Peak in Keystone and though rated a single Black Diamond, it is long and will wear you out. After you’ve pounded hundreds of bumps and think you’re about halfway down you’ll see you still have a long way to go. That tiny little speck at the bottom is La Bonte’s BBQ, where an ice-cold beer is waiting with your name on it. The top is hairy with snow-fences marking the rocks, but if the snow is good, then, no problem. After the first 50 yards or so the bumps round out and you have a nice long, and I do mean long bump run to that beer.

Pallavicini, Arapahoe Basin
Like Highline at Vail, the “Pally Face” as it is known runs underneath its namesake lift. The lift rises over 1300 feet and this set of runs go straight down it. It is steep, as in about 40 degrees in pitch and sometimes steeper depending on the conditions of the bumps and windblown snow. In 2005 a rare in-bounds avalanche killed a skier there just one day after I was on it. I swear I had nothing to do with it but am surprised I didn’t just fall off the face of it, it’s that steep.

The Plunge and Spiral Stairs, Telluride
These two have been on my bucket list for years. I’ve never skied down them but have read enough about them in Ski magazines over the years that I feel they should be listed here. I’ve heard stories that if you look through your skis tips at the top you will see a tiny little town of Telluride below and it is a scary sight indeed. They are both some of the steepest runs around and when covered in bumps they are said to be well deserving of their Double Black status.

Besides the fact that riding alone is not advised, it’s always more fun to ride with a friend whether you ski or board. Not only could you have an accident like falling in a tree well, or yanking your knee, but who will you drink with on the deck at the end of the day?

Boarders and Skiers Can Coexist
I love riding with my daughter, who a while back unfortunately slipped over to the dark side and parked her skis for a snowboard. I get frustrated waiting for her to snap in at the top of the lift because I like to just get off the chair and take off. On the other hand, once we get going, she has to wait for me because she’s faster, younger, and in better shape. It’s a tradeoff that seems to work and keeps us from complaining one way or the other. Okay, I still complain but she’s used to it. See what I mean? Skiers and boarders can coexist.

Bumps
It’s best to ride with someone who wants to go down the same runs as you. I have some friends who don’t care for bumps; I love them (the bumps I mean). I’ve always gone down bumps even if my partner was much better, because that’s how I learn—but not everyone feels that way. When you get older too, some of your friends’ knees may be shot. As long as you take this into consideration and resign that day to just cruisers, everything works out. Plus, if you do want to ditch them, now is the time.

Trees
My daughter loves the trees; the thicker the better. Since my skis are about twice as long as her board and her abilities are twice as good as mine, we can’t always do the same tree-bashing runs. She takes this into consideration and saves her thick tree-bashing days for her trips with her friends. She does this because she loves me. She also does it because I’m buying lunch.

Compromise
Different folks seem to need to take breaks at different times. I have one friend I ski with who does 3 runs and wants a beer break. This gets frustrating as I like to go for it in the morning. I have tried to compromise by getting him to do 6 runs before taking a beer break. He works it by calling the trip from the car to the lift a “Run.”

Round is a Shape
Some of us are in better shape than others. I use the term “Us,” loosely because I’m one of the others. I have friends who ride mountain passes all summer long on their bikes while I play golf. I can’t possibly keep up with them on the slopes but then again, I crush them at happy hour. Just like doing bumps and trees, if you lower your expectations to the group you’re with, the day will go smoother. They understand I can’t go top to bottom without stopping to catch my breath, I understand we won’t be doing shots at happy hour.

Meet Later
If you’re not doing the same runs, always have a plan. It’s a good idea to set up a meeting time and place just in case you get separated. You may not have skied together but you probably have to ride the long drive home. Here’s where you want to be compatible as well. You want to make sure the driver doesn’t have a bigger bladder than you or he’ll never stop to pee.

Fashion seems to run in cycles so that would explain the big, poofy, goose down ski jackets coming back into popularity. I still don’t know what explains the one-piece ski suit.

Retail is Jumping
Retail sales in the 2014-15 ski seasons through November 2014 reached $1.46 billion according to SnowSports Industries America. This marks an 8% increase over the same period in 2013-14 which hit a yearend total of $3.6 billion in retail sales. That’s a lot of ski hats. Now, not all these sales were clothing, that’s also a lot of skis and boards, but the clothing segment of the ski industry is booming.

Then There’s Hat Hair
You go into your local ski shop and you will notice more and more space devoted to ski apparel. The most drastic increase seems to be hats and gloves. I’m wondering; I do a lot of that around here, if the rise in ski hats and gloves available at your local ski shop is due to the aging demographic of the ski crowd. While I have noticed hand and toe warmers for sale everywhere now, it’s the ski caps that surprise me. Even though the majority of skiers and boarders standing in the lift line are wearing helmets, the space at my local ski shop for ski-caps has doubled. I believe that like me and most men, the largest demographic for skiers and boarders, are all losing their hair. I used to have a lot of hair to keep my head warm. I still have quite a bit of hair but most of it is in my ears and on my back.

It’s all Black and White to Me
For a few years there, the most popular color in ski clothing was drab. I know that’s not an official color but that’s what describes the fashions brought by the snowboarding craze. Drab and baggy seemed to be the style and that has thankfully changed. Color is finally coming back though I’m not sure if the neon, skin-tight, one-piece jumpsuit of the eighties is back yet. You might think otherwise if you’ve ever partied on closing weekend at any big resort. The one-piece never really left, they’ve just been hiding in the closet, patiently waiting for closing weekend. Of course so have all the Elvis and gorilla suits and every super hero costume there is.

You Put What on my Gloves?
They say earthy tones are in, but yet I see a lot of orange and lime green popping in as well. Okay, I’m sounding a little too much like a fashion consultant at the Oscars there. Things I have noticed though: our old buddy Plaid is doing well and wild prints and patterns are appearing on gloves as well as pants and jackets. There’s a company out there called Neff who has a bacon and egg glove that makes absolutely no sense at all to me. My approval though shouldn’t carry much weight with anyone since I am color-blind and as The Wife says, “All my taste is in my mouth.”

“A” for Effort
So, because of that I may not be the optimal person to discuss fashion but as the old quote goes,” I may not know art, but I know what I like.” I like the new colors coming out, though I maybe can’t actually tell you what color it is. I don’t think I’ll buy those bacon and egg print gloves but you have to give it to Neff for trying.

Outfits or Costumes?
If I was in charge—though even the cat out votes me in my home—I would make every day like closing day, just for the costumes. The gaggle of nuns (I’m really not sure what a group of nuns are called) are hilarious, although I do get bad flashbacks to parochial school. The ski bikinis you see on closing weekend are awesome, except there is always some guy who comes by in one and ruins it for everyone. As far as the industry goes, I wish the ski-clothing industry would key in on the lucrative spring skiing/closing week market. I don’t think Obermeyer or Patagonia make an Elvis suit but they should, with goose down for warmth.

by Michael Ryan

She packs less clothing than me because, let’s face it, she looks better in less clothing than me. With all the baggage fees these days though, both checked and carry-on, packing for a trip has become an art. Unfortunately, The Wife isn’t very artistic.

The Good Old Days
In PTSA (pre-TSA) days we could go to the tropics, or anywhere warm for that matter with just carry-on bags. That was before you were limited to those quart baggies with a three ounce limit to each container. How the heck did they determine that three ounces or less is no danger, but 4 ounce of shampoo is a terrorist act? Anyway, now that liquids are limited, she always checks a bag just so she can bring all the essentials a woman could ever possibly, under any circumstance need for a lifetime. We may be only going for a week but we have enough lotion, shampoo and whatever else is in that bag that I don’t want to know about to last pretty much forever

Man Bags
Whoever invented the man’s shaving kit should get a Nobel Prize for something or other. This bag has not changed shape or dimensions in generations. My bag looks just like my Dad’s and I’m sure his looks just like his Dad’s. It holds everything a man needs: deodorant a toothbrush and toothpaste, a razor, a small can of shaving cream (another awesome invention), and maybe some aftershave. If I’m traveling without her I throw in a small bottle (3 oz. or less of course) of shampoo and maybe a comb if I remember it.

Lady Bags
Her bathroom bag could be a carry-on all by itself. I would list what she puts in there but I don’t know and don’t want to know. I just know it can single-handedly put her check-in bag over the 50 lb. weight limit and incur extra fees.

Then There Are the Shoes
For me: Flip flops, Tennis shoes and maybe dress shoes if we’re going out. If the Tennies are new enough, they can double for dress shoes. For her: where do I start? You have pool shoes, beach shoes, and of course slippers for lounging around the room. We don’t do much lounging around the room but if we do, she has a shoe for it. Then you have to have “Evening” shoes. Did you know women actually match their shoes to their outfit? Of course you didn’t because men don’t wear “Outfits”; we wear pants and a shirt and if our Tennis shoes don’t match, well, who cares.

How Did My Clothes Get So Big?
I’m not sure exactly when it happened but have you noticed the clothes manufacturers have changed their sizes? Yeah, me too. All of a sudden what used to be a medium is now “Large” and Extra-large is now called XXL. Thus happened right around the same time a 34’’ waist size became 36.’’ I think it’s a conspiracy to make us all feel fat and eat yogurt. Anyway, where this fits in is: it explains why my clothes take up so much more space than hers. It seems they did it overnight and yeah, you may be laughing now but it won’t be so funny when you turn fifty and they do it again.

I am an Artist
So, as it turns out, I am the artistic one in the family. On our last trip, when my bag was weighed at the airline check-in counter it came to exactly 49.9 lbs. My fellow travelers gave me a round of applause for that one. Anything adding more than 1/10th of a pound more would have cost $75 in extra fees; good thing I left those dress shoes at home.

It’s Called Teamwork
Since we’re traveling together it doesn’t really matter what goes in which suitcase as long as they both get there and get there under the weight limit for extra fees. It was slightly uncomfortable when my bags were searched in Mexico and her feminine products were right on top but since I’ve made it a point my whole life to never learn what any of that stuff is for, the customs officer was more surprised than me. I haul her feminine products, she hauls my shampoo; it all works out in the end.

At the top of every ski run is a sign with Ski Slope Rating Symbols. A green circle. A blue square. A black diamond…maybe two. What do these ski slope symbols mean? You might want to find out before you exit the lift while rocking out with some Bluetooth helmet speakers.

A Little History
The National Ski Area’s Association (NSAA) first adopted a system of signage in the winter of 1964-65. Before that, as if skiing on wooden boards with leather boots wasn’t hard enough, it was every man for himself. The colors they used were different than today and also conflicted with the colors used in Europe. American Resorts used yellow to designate intermediate trails and the French used red because, well who knows why—they’re French. The Walt Disney Company was considering opening a ski resort and did studies and tests on which colors worked best. They came up with the current green circle for easiest runs, a blue square for intermediate, black diamond for advanced and double black diamond for expert. This system was adopted by the NSAA 3 years later in 1968 and has stuck ever since.

Green Circle: What They Mean
These ski slope rating symbol’s are the easiest runs, usually very wide, with a slope gradient of less than 25 percent.

Green Circle: What They Really Mean
This is the international ski slope rating symbol for “point them downhill and go as fast as you can.” Okay, maybe not for everyone. For some of us it means the resort has graciously supplied us with moving-human slalom poles to ski around. For Beginners, it may be the only run you see today and it doesn’t get any easier. You can always bail to the bunny slope down by the base of the mountain but with today’s social media; do you really want a picture of you skiing with 3 year-olds posted on Facebook?

Blue Square: What They Mean
These are considered intermediate runs with a slope of 25-40 percent. They’re the most popular and crowded runs.

Blue Square: What They Really Mean
These are considered bombers or cruisers to most. This is the first step past green beginner runs and though usually pretty flat, some have bumps on them as well. They also have a more recent phenomenon known as the Abominable Snowboarder. Watch out for these terrors of the blue runs because once they advance past the green runs, there’s no stopping or slowing them down. Blue runs are a good training grounds for the bumps you will see, hopefully on purpose, when you do drop into a black diamond run at a later date.

Black Diamonds: What They Mean
These runs will have steep gradients exceeding 40 percent and are considered difficult.

Black Diamonds: What They Really Mean
These runs are where you can get a little peace and quiet, except for the screaming. They are either very steep, full of bumps or both. You don’t have to be an expert to ski these but that would help, along with a lot of confidence. Alcohol helps too.

Double Black Diamonds: What They Mean
These are the most difficult ski slope rating symbols and should be skied by experts only. They may have obstacles like cliffs or trees and conditions may vary.

Double Black Diamonds: What They Really Mean
There are fewer people on these runs, mainly because of our basic survival instinct. These are the runs that make even atheists pray to God. If you’re not a true expert you have just made a huge mistake. This is one time where, to heck with social media, you may want to walk down this puppy.

Orange Oval: It’s a New One
An orange oval means beware—Abominable Boarder area—also known as the Terrain Park. This is a new one and not used everywhere but if you do see it, my advice is, slowly back up and ski away.

You probably want to grab a portable charger before you hit the slopes, for selfies and whatnot.

Picking the Perfect Island to Visit

There are literally thousands of islands to pick from just in the Caribbean, but there may be that one special one just for you. I’ve made quite a few trips down there and even remember some of them. My criteria might be different than yours but here are a few tips that may help.

Time to Drink; it’s Beer-thirty Somewhere
I don’t know if it’s because we’re on vacation or because it’s so darn hot but the beer sure goes down easy on the islands. Red Stripe is King in Jamaica and though it is available all over the Caribbean it seems to taste best on its home island. Carib, which hails from Trinidad and Tobago, also has breweries on St. Kitts and Grenada and is available on most islands so it doesn’t matter where you go. Presidente, brewed in the Dominican Republic, is available all over the Caribbean too and is one of my favorites because I remember drinking several at Gus’ Beach bar on St. Maartin. I don’t remember much after that but I do remember Gus’s Beach Bar.

Cocktails Anyone?
Most islands in the Caribbean get down and party, heck, most of them it seems have their own rum distilleries and that’s always a good way to start. The best Dirty Monkeys I’ve had are in Jamaica because they use fresh bananas. The best Painkillers are at the Soggy Dollar Bar on Jost Van Dyke in the Virgin Islands because you have to swim from your boat to get one at the bar. The best margaritas are at a little bar on the backside of Cozumel because they use fresh limes and fresher tequila and the best coconut rum I’ve had is Jumbie Coconut Splash in St. Maartin. The worst hangover I’ve ever had was in Cancun, Mexico but that doesn’t count because it’s not an island.

Swinging Singles Anyone?
Hedonism II in Negril, Jamaica is the king of the hill for swinging singles in the Caribbean. There are other things swinging there too, but let’s not get into that. There are two sides to this all-inclusive resort where clothing is optional on one side and full-time nudity required on the other. There are all kinds of parties and group, uhh functions going on at the disco, in the pools and you do not want to know what that is bubbling in the hot tubs.

The Breast, err, Best Beaches for Pubic, err Public Nudity
There are several options for some good wholesome nakeditity in the islands. I know that’s not a word but this is my column so I’ll decide what works. St Thomas in the Virgin islands has a well-known beach right off the beautiful and public Megan’s Bay Beach where nudity is, maybe not legal but tolerated . Orient Bay on St Maartin is a long luxurious crescent-shaped beach with bars, restaurants and cabanas all along the long stretch of powder white sand. This is French territory so le Boobies are everywhere. You will see plenty of the topless women you’ve been hoping for along with quite a few you’ll never be able to erase from your memory-I don’t mean that in a good way. The south end of the beach is the nude part and clothing is optional and mostly non-existent. The day I spent on the beach was a slow day with thankfully no cruise ships in town because, well you can just imagine what that would look like.

Carnival
Carnival is where Mardi Gras came from and is way more fun, decadent and did I say “Fun?” Originally celebrated in the weeks before Lent and ending on Ash Wednesday in the Catholic faith, Carnival celebrations in the Caribbean now run from February to whenever they decide to take a break. We were in St. Maartin in May when it was just winding down with the burning of Momo parade and one last party. On Antigua, their celebration is held from the end of July to the first Tuesday of August, so there’s a lot of time to get in on the action. Some of the largest though are Trinidad and Tobago, Barbados and St Maartin. Do a little research and plan your trip accordingly. Heck I can’t do everything around here.

by Michael Ryan

Whoever first decided to mount lights on the house at Christmas time was a true innovator, ahead of their time, and a scourge to all mankind. Read on and you’ll know who to be angry at when you fall off your ladder taking down all those infernal lights.

A Brief History

Thomas Edison was, as you would expect, the first to put electric lights up outside when he created a strand of lights and mounted them on the outside of his Menlo Park Laboratory in 1880 so railroad passengers travelling by would get a look at his newest invention. This was a marketing ploy and had nothing to do with Christmas. The Christmas connection came 2 years later in 1882 when his assistant, Edward Johnson, is said to have lit up a tree in New York City in 1882 with eighty small electric light bulbs. Soon after, his wife made him mount them on the roof, the bushes, the trees and the garage, along with a stupid-looking, lit-up reindeer.

Ancient History

The Norsemen used to hold nights of feasting and drinking around the burning of the Yule log. Man I miss those days. Lighting a Yule log had many meanings from summoning the sun’s return to driving away evil spirits. The drinking was just for fun. This in turn became the lighting of candles in windows to welcome weary travelers. Somehow we got from there to me climbing a ladder to mount a display that would make Clark Griswold proud.

Tech Stuff

What started as candles later became electric lights and who knows what’s next. Hopefully whatever it is will be wireless so I don’t have to spend half the day untangling them. Just by stopping in your local department or hardware store you will see a wide variety of choices. There’s the mini the C6, C7, C9 and wide or medium lens 5mm. You can go with led or incandescent and don’t forget the G-Series: globe shaped G-12 or G-25 and those are just the bulbs. You have string, spool and rope lights along with, snowflake, net or icicle sets. They have lights that drip, blink, flash and some still that just get lit up and sit there, kind of like me.

Getting Carried Away
We have a neighbor here in the hood who has so many lights on his house; I swear our streetlights dim for a second every time he turns them on. I recently saw a photo from space of the earth at night and this guy projects more light than North Korea. We drive by his place and snicker, but I know the wife is envious. She says it’s tacky and too much but I see her staring longingly at the lit-up reindeer and somehow I feel inadequate.

Really Getting Carried Away
First some clown decided to put music to his display. Now, it’s practically a requirement in my neighborhood, and not just Christmas music like Silent Night or Santa Claus is Coming to Town. No, now you have to have Mannheim Steamroller or the Trans-Siberian Orchestra blasting at 110 decibels through an outdoor surround sound behemoth stereo system, perfectly timed so the lights flash in sync with the composition. Oh, yeah, some you can even set your car radio to pick it up as well. I’m thinking of taking it a step further and having a live band set up between the stupid lit-up reindeer and the blowup Santa Claus she made me put in the front yard.

So Whose Bright Idea Was This?
It wasn’t Thomas Edison, just because he invented the electric light. It’s not his fault the local TV station has a segment every night on the gaudiest display. It’s not his fault the newspaper prints a map the wife uses to make me drive in circles all over town looking at displays. It’s not Edison’s fault I have stupid looking lit-up reindeer and a blow-up Santa in my yard. Just because he was the first to hang lights on the house doesn’t mean it’s his fault because I know whose idea it really was.

I blame his wife.