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An email thread about Animals


I was wondering if you would like to help me kill a bear to make a jacket similar to the one on workaholics. I was going to buy a bear pelt, but they are expensive. Part of my life philosophy is only killing something when it is putting myself or another person directly in danger or it is essential for survival. Every living item has a right to live. So I was thinking we could use you as bait, sort of taunting the bear. When it goes to maul you, I will be forced to kill it with some sort of large weapon, like an uzi.

Please let me know what date you would be available. I will provide the travel for you as it will be less expensive than buying a real bear pelt.


Hey Evan,

My only problem with this is that I know for a fact that you, my friend, are not a vegetarian.  Do you mean to tell me that every animal you eat on a daily basis has died at the hands of a hero?  I’m willing to bet that’s not the case.



That’s why I put in the stipulations, “essential for survival” as in food. I know it sounds hypocritical to be one of those tree hugging pieces of shit that are like, “don’t kill animals” because I like a juicy steak as much as anyone from the Midwest. However, I am against killing animals for sport or just killing animals. As kids we just to shoot birds with my pellet gun just to kill them, which I feel isn’t right. Jimmy Johns, the guy who owns Jimmy Johns, is a big game hunter and kills all sorts of exotic animals, and I have boycotted his stores.

What I am getting at is I really want this bear skin jacket, but I am not going to kill the bear just for its skin. I would kill it for food, but I have had bear and it isn’t too tasty. Which only means I have to be a hero and kill the bear, but I also need some bait…which is you.

I knew you would understand and sympathize with my predicament (I mean it is the definition of rock and hard place) and would be willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good of the cause. Haven’t you ever wanted to be a martyr? Now is your chance.

I would do the same for you.



But there in lies the hypocrisy my friend.  Is killing millions of chickens to act as the bread in the KFC Double Down really better than killing 1-2 exotic animals every once in a while for sport?  If you were to compare the amount of annual animal deaths between the two (sport vs. fast food) I’m sure you’d see that the latter is quite a bit more destructive than the occasional thrill of the hunt.

I appreciate exotic and endangered animals as much as any grungy trustafarian, but at this point it’s a numbers game…  Plus it’s a bit shallow… I mean, just because a leopard is spotted and agile doesn’t make him any less deserving of murder than a fat stupid ugly cow.  Not to say that killing either is right, but I have much more of a problem with the millions of cows, chickens, pigs (which are a fairly intelligent animal) that are irresponsibly slaughtered every day around the world for our mass consumption of Dorito Shell Tacos and Mcgriddles.

Is the fact that the Jimmy Jon’s owner hunts big game the problem?  Nay, the problem is that he’s filling his stores with inorganic meets raped and pillaged from the sweet baby jesus himself.  Not to mention the fact that their untimely death is likely a welcome end to their confused and unnatural lives… consisting mostly of sitting in a locked cage, being pumped with hormones… possibly rectally.

As for the bear situation, I have no interest in being bait.  I will fight the bear in hand to hand combat;  if I win It’s still self defense –  If I lose, you can make a jacket out of me.



One thought on “An email thread about Animals

  1. billy espo says:

    i will under take letting the bear chase me yet we must find two for i would want one as well.

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