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The Lost Art of Pooping in the Woods

It’s recently come to my attention that some citified pansies may be uncomfortable dropping a deuce outside. We have to fix that before you blow a gasket—or worse, drive back to town in search of a toilet.

From the dawn of man, we’ve tried to make pooping more comfortable—cleaning up with leaves instead of sticks, then paper, two-ply, and bidets. We’ve moved from squatting by the trail to scent-reducing cat holes, outhouses, toilets—sometimes with padded and heated seats—it’s just not natural. If the seat’s too cold for you to unload, grab a book and wait a few minutes!

I don’t believe manhood can be achieved without a woodland dump any more than that panty-waisted chin strap you’re cultivating counts as a beard.

Step One: Go Outside
Stand up from your porcelain throne and head outside. Find a nice, wooded spot—not too close to the trail—and look around. Make sure you can’t see any signs of civilization before you move on to Step Two.

Step Two: Dig a Hole
If this was for your own benefit, I’d tell you to drop it where you will, but cat holes are for the benefit of others so man up and scratch out a little ground pocket for your poo.

Step Three: Drop Trow
Undo your belt, drop those skinny jeans, and cop a squat. Make sure you remove at least one leg entirely from your pants. It’s easier to get a nice, low stance if you don’t hobble yourself and, if you’re a one-two combo sort of guy, it’s almost impossible to soak your pants if they’re off to the side.

I prefer the “boots only” approach as it just feels better. Give it a try by removing your pants altogether before you do the doo.

As a side note, this approach makes it easier to run from a bear, though it does leave valuable bits somewhat more exposed…

Step Four: Wait
In some cases this step’s unnecessary (i.e. chili, food poisoning, coffee squirts, etc.) but, for most of us, this chance for a few seconds of quiet reflection are a joyous addition to the outdoor ousting of your last meal. Don’t ruin it with Angry Birds.

Step Five: Clean Up
With your deuce dropped and the wonders of nature solidly experienced, it’s time for a little housekeeping. Wipe yourself with whatever’s handy—except porcupines which won’t get you very clean and armadillos which could do a great job but would be very angry about the process. Poison ivy’s a bad idea too but that’s between you and your dermatologist.

If you wipe with something found naturally in the woods, feel free to bury it in your cat hole. If you brought it with you, pack it in plastic and carry it back out of the woods.

Bury your brown with the cat hole dirt and add another scoop from nearby for good measure. Toss a few rocks and leaves on top then make your way back to civilization with your skinny jeans fitting a little more like men’s pants do.

You’re welcome.

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