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6 Signs You’d Probably Suck At Parkour

Anyone can try parkour. Anyone with an ounce of coordination, physical ability and enough stamina to last more than a minute each run, that is. Okay, we take it back—some people suck at parkour.

If you’ve been considering testing your free running and/or parkour abilities, here are a few signs it might be best for you to stick to your bonbons and video games.

You Think Exercise is A Suggestion, Not a Necessity
When’s the last time you walked more than a mile or, God forbid, actually finished one in under ten minutes? If you find yourself getting winded walking up a flight of stairs you’re not going to cut it training for parkour. The sport is all about speed and efficiency. On second thought, parkour might be just what you need to help you get off your lazy ass.

Benches Break Beneath Your Behemoth Weight
We’ve got nothing against the pleasantly plump—they make up half the country after all—but if the burden of your hefty load is enough to crack a park bench when you sit on it we can’t imagine how you’re going to loft yourself over one. Maybe try just running like a normal person for a bit instead? Work your way up.

You’re Proof That People Really Can Trip Over Their Own Feet
Putting one foot in front of the other is just tougher for some people than others. We get it. If you find yourself face planting after toe tussling with an imaginary turtle on a regular basis we really can’t recommend trying to leap over rails and rolling. You need to have the balance of a cat—or at a least a slightly less coordinately-challenged human.

You’re Afraid of Flying, Heights, or Just Air In General
If you’re going to try parkour, eventually your feet are going to leave the ground. Efficiency means hopping over obstacles in your way, not always looking for ways around them. Not only do you have to have the strength to propel yourself over great heights occasionally, but you need to keep your lunch in while doing it. Nobody wants to see your regurgitated California burrito while you’re buoying yourself over a bench.

You’re Afraid of a Few Scratches
Dude, you’re going to fall on your face. Happens to the best of us. If you find yourself fainting at the sight of a little blood, take your Prima Donna self back home. You’re leaping over concrete, stone, wood and whatever the hell else you can find—you expect to never knick yourself or scuff a knee? Come on now.

You Wear Armani and Gucci
Someone running through the city leaping over inanimate objects looks weird to most people passing by—there’s no denying that. But screw those people. This isn’t a world for jackass mama’s boys in fancy clothes driving around in their daddy’s beamer.

If you’re worried what everyone else thinks about you, or spend hours each morning strapping on bowties and mascara, just find another sport now. We hear cricket is nice.

There are exceptions to the rule—parkour is actually pretty good for helping some people get in shape—but if you call into any of the categories about you probably won’t cut it. You don’t have to be a parkour master right out of the gate—it takes training and time to master—but try and be honest with yourself before you jump in on our sport.

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