When you’re heading off for a ski vacation in the mountains, you’re bound to come into contact with varying degrees of locals*.
*The definition of local is a hotly debated topic that will be saved for another time.
Locals will check you into your hotel, tune your skis, pour your beer, and mend your sprained wrist. Get on their good side, and locals will also show you some sweet powder stashes, advise you on what activities are tourist traps, and let you in on the best place in town to grab a breakfast burrito.
And if you get on their bad side? Well, you’ll have to wait and see what that’s like. Here are 6 easy ways to piss off a mountain town local. (Warning: we are not responsible for the consequences of doing the following).
Don’t Tip
Money can’t buy you happiness: that’s the message you want to send to your server/bartender/cab driver/etc. Forget the fact that they’re overeducated and underpaid: they didn’t move to the mountains to make money. So after you’ve enjoyed a multi-course meal, asked for every modification humanly possible, and imbibed in custom-created cocktails, put a big fat zero on that tip line. Sign on the dotted line, give your server a thumb’s up for the great service, and go on your merry way.
Be a Know-It-All
You spent your lunch break scouring TripAdvisor and brushing up on your Wikipedia knowledge. Don’t let those facts go to waste. That guy you’re sharing the gondola with—the one who was born and raised in this very mountain town—doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Correct him about anything and everything, ranging from what time the mountain opens at to where they put the moguls in the summertime.
Be Condescending
“Aren’t your parents disappointed in you?” is a perfectly acceptable opener when talking with a mountain town local. Mountain town locals don’t make as much money as you, their house isn’t as pretty as yours, and their job title is totally lame (they probably don’t even have a business card). Assert your superiority, and don’t hide your smugness.
One Up Them
One of the best ways to piss off a mountain town local is to pull out the old bait-and-switch. Start conversing with them as though you actually care about what they have to say. Be kind, polite, and interested—then sweep the rug out from under their feet. Any time they express happiness or pride in their mountain town, one up them. “Yeah, the terrain here is okay, but it’s nothing compared to Chamonix.” “You think THIS is snow? Have you ever even been to Japan?” “This place is a hell hole. I don’t know how you live here.”
One easy way to rub salt in the wound is to throw in a casual post-remark, “No offense.”
Trash the Place
Being on vacation officially entitles you to throw away every shred of common sense and decency within your being. Don’t waste your time looking for a trash can—toss it on the ground! Drink ‘til you have to puke, and when you do, be sure to puke directly on a store window. Learn some tips from these guys—they know what’s up.
Announce Yourself
“Do you know who I am?” Those six magic words are the key to getting everything you want. Don’t be afraid to name drop the fact that your neighbor’s sister-in-law’s dad is the guy who runs the mountain… even if it isn’t true.
They say in a storm you should have batteries, candles, canned goods, fresh water, and firewood if you have a fireplace or wood-burning stove. This is all in case the power goes out, and they do have a point. My advice covers those storms where the power is on just the desire or ability to get to work seems missing.
To some it may be the guy with the snow blower. A good neighbor will clear off your sidewalk and driveway. A great neighbor will stay for a drink or three after he’s done. Good neighbors help one another: push your car when stuck, share food if you’re low, and help shovel snow if that snow blower doesn’t show up.
It’s best to stock up because you never know how long you’ll be stuck at home. Milk, eggs, fresh veggies and fruit disappear first from your grocer’s shelves, and will soon after go bad on yours, so don’t even bother with those. Go for chips, cookies, burgers, and pop, you know: the 4 main food groups.
The second busiest store next to the supermarket before a blizzard is the liquor store. When the flakes start flying, the local liquor store makes the mall on Christmas Eve look like a slow day. Obviously I’m not the only one thinking this way. Beer and wine go first, then, if the warnings are serious, whiskey and vodka go next. Wine coolers never sell out but a run on peppermint schnapps is possible as visions of hot chocolate starts dancing in our heads.
This doesn’t mean just food; you need quality munchies. Just like any other time you’re watching a movie you want munchies; it’s just, this time, you’re watching about 36 hours of movies. That means popcorn, chips, pop, and junior mints, the standard movie fare everywhere.
Used to be, when the forecast was ominous, we would head straight to the video rental store. Now that shows how long I’ve been at this. Nowadays I keep the DVR stocked up with recordings, and that’s just in case the dish goes out. Sure, some of you have streaming capabilities but, believe it or not, the internet can go down, or at least your provider does. I’ve heard people used to just sit around and read or actually talk to one another. Of course they also cooked over the fire and wore loincloths as well.
Okay, I admit, I’m not the easiest guy to get along with. Being shut-in with me for 2 or 3 days should merit some kind of medal. Actually, being shut in with anyone for an extended period of time can be brutal; they call it stir-crazy or cabin fever. She can only take so many times of me whining, “I’m bored.” That’s where the neighbors, the movies, and the alcohol really come into effect. All three offer her some form of escape.
Continuing with the grandpa sayings, there’s no such thing as bad weather—there’s just bad clothing. In other words, if you’re wearing the right stuff, you can have a good time in just about any condition. So bust out the GoreTex and pack along an extra pair of gloves and go skiing.
If the rainy conditions limit you to groomers or if you know that it’s unlikely that you’ll last more than a few hours up top, have a little fun with it. Get everyone in your posse to switch their sticks: if they usually snowboard, have them pick up a pair of skis, and vice versa. Laugh at each other as you flail madly down the mountain in unfamiliar gear. Given that you’re learning in horrible conditions, you’ll undoubtedly walk away with full confidence that your initial gear of choice is by far the best.
Unless you’re experiencing some funky inversion action, the general rule of thumb is that the higher you go, the colder it gets (duh). So if it’s pouring down low, it just might be snowing like crazy up in the alpine. If you get really lucky, you might get the most magical pow day of all time—and the lift lines will be non-existent, since the rain will have scared the masses away.
Of course, there’s always the option to just suck it up, buttercup. You’ve come this far to go skiing—are you really going to let a little rain scare you off?
If you can’t stomach the thought of spending your money on a lift ticket to shred in horrible conditions, then give up on the dream and make other plans. Throw on your rattiest pair of sweatpants, invite some friends over (instruct them to bring snacks and pizza), and indulge in a marathon session of ski movie watching. The powder on the screen is definitely better than the non-existent powder outside.
Too much pent up energy to spend the day on the couch? Then get creative and enjoy the other aspect of a ski town: the partying. Plan your own original pub crawl: aim to try every drink on the menu between your crew, or hop from bar to bar and order their signature beverage.