First off, just by referring to them as THE Wife or THE Girlfriend, you’re off to a great start.
You Don’t Understand What it’s Like to Get Up in the Middle… Blah, Blah, Blah
Let’s head off the age-old argument between men and women about the toilet seat; it’s time to get a little pro-active here. Suck it up boys and tell her now—you are sick and tired of her never remembering to put the toilet seat back up when she’s done. If you really want to push it, and do this at your own risk, tell her she has no idea what it’s like to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and realize you’re peeing all over the toilet seat. If that doesn’t get her hackles up, you’re doing it wrong.
Song Remains the Same
Remember the song that was playing the first time you danced? Yeah, I was drunk too. Anyway, she remembers it and if you want to sleep on the couch for the next month, go ahead and forget it. Every girlfriend I ever had thought there was a song that was “Our song.” I have no idea how they became “Our song,” or what any of them were but I’m sure they were mushy, corny, lame, and sucked.
Thanks for the Memories
The dreaded question:“Do you know what day this is?” How you respond will shape how comfortable your life will be for the foreseeable future. You better get good at remembering dates because she’s like a high school history teacher, and absolutely obsessed with them. She’ll know the date you first met, first went out, and first kissed. You better know them too, or at least be able to fake your way around that dangerous question or be prepared to become single again.
If you say you’re going to do something, you better well do it. I mean like fix the leaky faucet, change the hallway light bulb, or build that patio/deck/fire pit/raised garden monstrosity she wants you to do. Where we get in trouble is when we use the old standby, “Yes Dear.” Once you say “Yes Dear,” to anything, she stores that tidbit away in that 8,000 terabyte hard drive of a brain she has and is saving it for when you least expect it. Like naptime on a Sunday.
We Don’t Need No Stinking Vacuums
Speaking of chores, if God forbid you ever actually do any housework, make sure and demand credit for it. I mean, let’s face it, she’s going to redo anything you do anyway, so there’s no reason to bust your butt doing it right—but make sure you still get credit. Before you brag about your contribution to the house cleaning though, make sure you at least know how to turn on the vacuum cleaner; they are tricky little things. I got called out by the Wife and the Daughter once, and for the life of me, I could not find that damned switch. In my defense we’d only had the vacuum for a year or two but now, as soon as we get a new vacuum, I learn how to turn it on. I never actually use it but next time they call me out, I’ll show them.
It’s All In A Name
What you call them is as important as if you call them. Never, and I do mean never, use the word “Just” before any other word to describe your relationship. If you ever correct anyone who asks if she is your wife by saying, “No, she is just my girlfriend” I guarantee you in no time at all, she will be either your wife or your ex. Trust me, that’s how I ended up married to The Wife.