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6 Signs You’re Not Cut Out For the Mountains

The mountains can be tough on a guy, and not everyone is cut out for them. That’s okay, though—you can visit but you may not want to stay.

The Driving
If you don’t know how to drive in the mountains, maybe you should take a bus or shuttle ride. That’s because up here we have things that maybe you aren’t used to at home like: uphills, downhills, sharp corners, and other annoying things like snow, ice, and falling rocks. Not to alarm you, but falling rocks actually kill people every year; especially flat-landers that shouldn’t be driving here.

The Weather
It gets cold up here and it gets hot up here, usually in the same hour. Oh yea, and it’s a dry cold, to boot. Temperatures can range from below zero to over one hundred degrees—maybe not on the same day, but it happens quicker than you can imagine. I spent one 4th of July in Keystone, CO a few years back and it hit over one hundred on the lake patio we were on. The following year it snowed on the 4th. No, in answer to a tourists question once posed to me, we don’t all wear long underwear year round. What, do you think we’re rednecks? We have Under Armour for that.

The Drinking
If you think you can fly up here from sea level and drink with me, you have another think coming. The first thing you’ll get is extremely drunk, then a headache, then altitude sickness. The fun thing after the altitude sickness is the Mother of all hangovers. Sure, you can try the oxygen bar, tourists are the only ones who use them anyway, but the only relief is drink lots of water, lay off the alcohol, and admit we’re better men than you.

The Eating
Yeah, you’re right: all we eat up here is Rocky Mountain Oysters and Buffalo Burgers. If you’re looking for a gluten free, vegan diet you’ll have to stop in Boulder, CO on your way up the hill. We do also eat a lot of Mexican food though, so if you can’t handle jalapeño peppers, much less habaneros, then you’re going to die a slow and miserable death when you have our green chili with ghost peppers added.

The Fashion
We’re not big on skinny jeans, and the only sagging going on is you when you try to climb a flight of stairs. The mountains are the one place on earth where a guy in a ski jacket and cargo shorts looks natural. We wear shorts year-round, whether it’s with a tank top in the summer or a down jacket in the winter. Flip flops are comfortable, but are only worn when there are less than 3 inches of snow on the ground.

The Biking up High
If you don’t know how to handle a mountain bike, don’t let it bother you; you won’t be able to ride more than a block or two without gasping for air anyway. Going downhill is fast and dangerous and going uphill—well, you probably won’t be going uphill anyway. Climbing stairs is an extreme sport up here and just getting the groceries upstairs can give you a heart attack. That’s why we excel in downhill skiing.

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