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A Hipster’s Guide to Growing Old, From an Old Hipster

I hate to break it to you but you aren’t going to fit in those skinny jeans much longer and someday soon, you’ll have more hair growing out your ears than on your head.

It’s Inevitable
Growing older is a fact of life but as the old saying goes, “it sure beats the alternative.” Sure you can fight the ravages of time by staying in shape, giving up drugs and alcohol, quit staying out at all hours of the night, and no more eating fatty foods—but then what’s the point?

Fashion Sense
If you’re a true hipster, then fashion is very relevant to you. You may wear skinny jeans or sag your baggies, but you wouldn’t be caught dead in khaki. Actually you may end up worse than dead if you’re wearing khaki; you’ll be at work. No matter how styling you are, unless you’re a Rock Star or Tattoo Artist. you’ll probably have to grow up at some point and wear big boy pants like the rest of us. There aren’t too many CEOs holding shareholder meetings in plaid shorts and flip flops, so unless you can write like Hunter S. Thompson or sing like Adam Levine, you’ll be hoping you look good in khaki.

Say What?
Speaking in the current vernacular is hip to hipsters, but it dies out eventually, believe me. It may have been dope at one time to talk smack to your bra’, but trust me everyone will be LOL in the future. I’m a tad bit older than most of you, but I assure you I don’t go around saying, “Far out”, “That’s out-a-sight” or “Stay cool.” Believe me, I was hip when hip was still just called “cool” but I don’t talk that way now, can you dig it?

Music to Your Ears
Just like the Captain and Tennille, Billy Ocean and Lionel Richie are no longer on the charts. You probably won’t be rapping along with Kanye, Snoop or 50 Cent in thirty years. Sure there are some artists who are timeless like Bob Seger, Bruce Springsteen, and Van Halen since the eighties, but I don’t really see Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. There are classic artists from every generation and who knows, maybe you will bust a Snoop rhyme at a karaoke bar in 2050, but trust me; your music will change.

Be a Good Sport
You may be able to pop some banging grabs in the half-pipe, ride the rails on your board, shred the single track on your bike, or SUP that river now, but you will slow down eventually. Hopefully you’ll still be boarding and banging, shredding or whatever else you do, but it won’t last forever. The key is to learn to enjoy new things that your body can handle in old age. Trust me, I still pound the bumps on black diamond mogul runs with my new rocker skis, but I spend just as much time on the lodge deck sipping hot chocolate and schnapps and enjoying it just as much. That hot tub at the end of the day is no longer a place to meet girls or party, it’s a necessity now.

It’s a Hairy Subject
Okay, now back to the biggie: your hair. I know you may use gels and conditioners, control paste, waxes and clay but it’s all for naught. Face it: you’re going to lose it, so thank God hats and ball caps are in style today and hopefully will be in your future too. In the old days, like 1985, comb-overs, ridiculous as they looked, were big for old guys with balding heads, because that was their only choice. Now you have ball caps, beanies, English Ascot caps worn frontwards or backwards, Fedoras, Panama hats, and bandanas tied around your head.

At first, when you end up with a monkey butt on top of your head you may start wearing hats more often to hide your impending baldness. Eventually you’ll wear them because the sun is burning the crap out of that sensitive area.

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